The screams of your inner........ Alexa?

Hi diary,

I want to share something with you today. I am probably developing a soft corner for a person. A cute male to be in general. I have been talking to him for a while now and I love his docile and gentle nature, his deep voice, his chubby cheeks and his cute little self. Generally men don't like it when they are called cute but what am I supposed to compliment if his face screams cute?

When my eyes saw him for the first time, they were already processing the image ingraining it to my head. I was supposed to be angry because he was late for the date already. But I don't know I was positively quite calm about this. I am generally the one who is not punctual at all and he was worse than me. The clock in my brain was ticking away and with every minute passing by I was losing it. Being short tempered definitely can be harmful in such cases.

I was quite calm and that was a first. I probably already liked the cute one I was going to meet. But the moment he came and stopped doubtfully staring through his huge-for-his-head helmet, I understood it was him and raised my hand to give him a short wave confirming his doubts. He took off his helmet and my my I definitely had not expected such a good looking simpleton sitting on that bike like the King he was. I was definitely happy after seeing him and my heart skipped a beat. I shook hands and got on his bike and I was already losing myself because this cuteness was too hot to handle.

The more I spent time with him, the more he seemed beautiful to me. It was that inner beauty in him calling out to me like a shewolf to her mate. It would not be a bad idea to fall for such a beautiful person after all. I would love to spend more and more of my time with him.

When I was done with my date, he  dropped me at my place and I suddenly didn't want him to leave me and go. I wanted to keep him with me. Tie him up with a rope if he would deny and make him fall for me the way I did. (of course this was my very vivid imagination)

And that was when it all crashed, my inner demons stared at my not-so-pitiful face and laughed while asking me, "Did you forget the last time you fell in love?"

Such a beautiful moment broken like a glass and its shards pricking me mercilessly, my blood oozing from my heart and mind. How could I forget the last time I cried a bloodied ocean for a person who never felt the same?

A totally broken and deranged person like me definitely had no place in the room of love. How could I love another who would probably never love me back? How would I love anyone apart from me in the first place if all I had in my head was endless insecurities and ruthless doubts? What if he never loved me back? What if I make a fool out of myself? What if I only saw things in those beautiful eyes which I wanted to see and believe? What if he is so scared of my deranged mind that he runs out of my life like The Road-runner?

I have not healed nor am I healing anytime sooner, I understood that much. Why was it me diary? Why did it have to be me?

The world is a stage and all the people in it are just mere puppets. While the inner alexa wants what it wants and ultimately wins the battle against us.

P. S. Sorry diary you know how much 'Seven ages' by Shakespeare means to me.

Akankshya Panda

Timing your very own tide

Hi diary,

I never thought I would come back to you to write about my sordid life ever again. But a drunkard always finds his way to his beer bottle, his only form of solace.

You never know when somebody just changes his or her mind about you and walks out on you whilst you lie there drinking your sorrows away waiting for that very person to turn his or her head and snatch that bottle of poison out of your hands and slap sense into you, telling you that they are there for you.

But are they really now?

My hallucinating mind wishes not to believe their well knit phrases because it has seen people spitting out a sputum of lies which clogs the listener's ears and they can't hear anything but those lies.

Love is not easy, I know that. It never has been. Be it in any form. There is always that constant fear of betrayal after you have faced it once.

Does this mean I will never recover?

A betrayal of your lover is nothing compared to a betrayal of your most loved friend. I felt that today. The lover can only slice the strings of your heart but your friend can squeeze your heart, like a sponge, completely dry. The fact that I don't deserve an explanation for what just transpired between us is making my head spin like a tornado. I so wish I never made bottle tornados when I was a little girl.

This tornado uprooted the trees of my life, the fruits of my happiness and leaves of my dignity. I cannot even wish right now that I never met my best friend ever because of the love I have for that very person. I would rather die than wish for that. I still don't understand where I went wrong though. Is it always me? The sole reason I lose out on people? Am I not worth trying? Am I not worthy of anything in this world?

I scream at God for always taking away those precious little gifts bestowed upon me by Him which I always treasure. Why give something only to snatch it away without even giving me a chance to treasure them even more?

I still can see that very person pleading for me to give him a chance. I am always ready to give them a thousand chances, after all I never like losing out on anyone. But am I ready to face that pain again? Maybe I am. Because I love them that much. But then won't that person take me for granted?

I remember that very friend of mine saying,
"Wait and see if people are willing to try for you."

I don't wish to wait. I want to walk ahead. If that person loves me then he will catch up with my rabbit-paced walk.

If time and tide wait for none, why should I?

Akankshya Panda..........

The importance of my personal August 15th

Hey diary,

I was so happy a few days ago because I thought the internal battle that I had been fighting has finally ended and I had triumphed. Yes it is true and I am quite happy but now I am facing the worst phase after a battle.

PTSD...  (post traumatic stress disorder)

This is something you will never ask even for your worst enemies. You will feel like there is a hurricane swirling and whirlpooling the last bits of your sanity. As you will be holding on to your sanity whilst it is getting pulled into the eye of your storm, you will realise suddenly that the hurricane was never there in the first place. It was just a hallucination of your deepest fears mimicking to engulf you as a whole.

The reason of the battle will be the thing you will try your best to avoid throughout your life. Like for me, it was being obsessed by something which was never mine to begin with. It was my own self that failed to come to terms with the fact that it was not meant to be. Self destruction is the worst destruction and I was destroyed beyond repair and i was the sole reason.

My dumb self waited and waited for my order to arrive which I had not even paid for and when the order never arrived at my doorstep, I yelled at the customer care appearing like a madman on the loose.

After several hits, I have come to realise what I am cut out for and love was definitely not on the list. Because love came with expectations and these vile emotions are the cornerstones to all of my problems......

Winning my personal August 15th was just the beginning. Sustaining my August 15th was what was important. As long as I jalbreak from the chains used to tie me up by my own monsters, I will always be the independent and peaceful soul that I have always wanted.

Akankshya Panda