Timing your very own tide

Hi diary,

I never thought I would come back to you to write about my sordid life ever again. But a drunkard always finds his way to his beer bottle, his only form of solace.

You never know when somebody just changes his or her mind about you and walks out on you whilst you lie there drinking your sorrows away waiting for that very person to turn his or her head and snatch that bottle of poison out of your hands and slap sense into you, telling you that they are there for you.

But are they really now?

My hallucinating mind wishes not to believe their well knit phrases because it has seen people spitting out a sputum of lies which clogs the listener's ears and they can't hear anything but those lies.

Love is not easy, I know that. It never has been. Be it in any form. There is always that constant fear of betrayal after you have faced it once.

Does this mean I will never recover?

A betrayal of your lover is nothing compared to a betrayal of your most loved friend. I felt that today. The lover can only slice the strings of your heart but your friend can squeeze your heart, like a sponge, completely dry. The fact that I don't deserve an explanation for what just transpired between us is making my head spin like a tornado. I so wish I never made bottle tornados when I was a little girl.

This tornado uprooted the trees of my life, the fruits of my happiness and leaves of my dignity. I cannot even wish right now that I never met my best friend ever because of the love I have for that very person. I would rather die than wish for that. I still don't understand where I went wrong though. Is it always me? The sole reason I lose out on people? Am I not worth trying? Am I not worthy of anything in this world?

I scream at God for always taking away those precious little gifts bestowed upon me by Him which I always treasure. Why give something only to snatch it away without even giving me a chance to treasure them even more?

I still can see that very person pleading for me to give him a chance. I am always ready to give them a thousand chances, after all I never like losing out on anyone. But am I ready to face that pain again? Maybe I am. Because I love them that much. But then won't that person take me for granted?

I remember that very friend of mine saying,
"Wait and see if people are willing to try for you."

I don't wish to wait. I want to walk ahead. If that person loves me then he will catch up with my rabbit-paced walk.

If time and tide wait for none, why should I?

Akankshya Panda..........