The sacra terra to desolate souls

Hey diary,

What say? Shall we discuss about just me as a human being? And not one who is a damsel in distress? I know I have been whining a lot. For once I wish to stop it all and be a no man's land.

The days passing by have showed me how people around me are. But what I have forgotten to mention is the fact that I have changed so much over time as well. When I first met with an accident named 'men', I was behaving like a whiny horse uninterested in allowing a rider to strap the saddle on my back. But as time passed I realized that all of this is just a stage play. Everyone comes into my life with an assigned role, plays the part and walks away as soon as the significance of the role is no more. I realized that my life was to help people in need and then leave them without expectations. Some wish for me to stay throughout and some do not give a damn. It is as if I collect all the sad and highly remorseful souls and make them happy enough to continue their lives with or without me and for some reason, I feel happy that God chose me for such a noble cause.

It is so difficult to enlighten the lost hopes in some people's lives. But then my small knick knacks and highly horrible jokes wriggle people's stomachs and force the laughter out of their bodies which they imprison with the gates of grief. I know when people use me and I definitely do not mind that because if they are happy and joyful then who am I to snatch it out of their hands?

They say people who make other people laugh are seldom happy themselves and it pricks my heart because I may be one of them. But never mind, I can never be a disciple of evil and I can't forget my principles and rules of keeping others happy. If not me then be it her. I would continue being the way I am, only for the greater good.

Keep laughing, because laughter indeed is the best medicine. 😊

The harem of security

Today I won't be speaking to my diary. I expect an audience whilst I am penning down whatever I have been facing as a girl trying to find her own place in the society.

News channels are streaming the atrocities a woman faces everyday because she is a woman. Why should she? Just because she has a hole where anyone can insert their red hot iron rods mercilessly without asking the person in question whether she wanted it or not? 

All of this begins when we as mothers and guardians explain our daughters not to wear short and revealing skirts, place them under a curfew, tell them not to go out alone, etc. When we as mothers tell our sons to be however they want and explain to our daughters in law 'Men will always be men, just bear with it.' And yet here we stand talking about equality and women empowerment. Where will the entire essence of women upliftment come from if we treat our daughters similarly our ancestral women have been treated?

I have faced things that many girls face at some point of their life. I have never wished to talk about this not because it may char my dignity but because it still sends a chill down my spine. Does anyone, now? I have been lured into a web of lies and taken away out of my comfort zone and when I ran out of the place to escape because I was lucky as I realised 'something was not right' and I had my God with me to save me from something that was about to happen, I realised that the world was anything but a happy and safe place to live in. I still remember the paling of my father's face once he heard everything my mom was saying. I remember how he checked the already terrified 8 year old me for marks and scratches and possible DNA. It was my good luck that I had come out of the fire unscathed, but it had definitely left third degree wounds in my innocent heart. I still remember coming home and holding my mom and crying as if I had had a narrow escape from death which I knew not about. After all, no one had precisely done anything. Never in my entire life had I seen my loving father so furious, all he wanted was to maul the man's face like a hungry rogue wolf. But seeing me safe was more than enough to calm him down and hug me as if I were to vaporise any moment. Everyone right now reading this would have definitely started reprimanding the mother of an 8 year old child, a daughter per se the society's prejudice but no one knows about the newborn that my mother was carrying around. How can she be blamed? It was natural  for her to think I had grown up because now there was a tiny little addition to the family who needed her more than me. 

After such horrendous incident which thankfully hadn't turned gruesome, my father restricted me from exploring the world all by myself. But could I blame him? Could I blame him for being extra cautious? 

The things happening around forced my parents to jail me at home even more. I don't question the curfew, the wearing of full hand-sleeved kurtas, the surveillance of my phone etc anymore. My papa always says 'Beta, stay away from boys, Bloody uncouth street urchins.' Whilst him being a strong, egoistic, patriarchal and a staunch brahmin and the most important - a man, was foul mouthing the entire gender, the gender to which he belonged so openly in front of me. 

The incident that had happened had gone unreported because it was a mere attempt according to my mom and that I may face a lot of unrequired mental trauma or PTSD as some of them may call it along with a lot of judgemental looks questioning my chastity at the moment. But can my parents be blamed for trying to protect me from the harsh society first than the criminal? 

When we don't reach home before curfew, our parents begin to get worried and start calling up our friends and relatives just in case they may know our whereabouts. 

Now I want to ask just one thing - why should my parents or rather any parent who has a girl child be worried about their daughter's safety? Why should a girl stay budded and not bloom like the flower she is? Why should she need a chaperone - a male chaperone to be precise to accompany her at all times? Why can't she become something that she deserves to become? 

Every moment a girl is barred from going out with friends because men don't know to keep their valuables inside their trousers. Every moment a girl has to walk cautiously because men just can't keep their valuables inside their trousers. Every moment a girl has to cover herself up with the fear of being attacked just because men just can't keep their valuables inside their trousers. 

All of my fingers are pointing towards one direction. If this direction was cleaned up, none of this would happen. Right? 

Hence a sincere request to all the mothers and fathers out there - let your daughters blossom and leash those ferocious sons of yours. Then will all of you see, the eutopia that you all desire. 

Little Red Riding Hood

Hi diary,

How have you been, love? I have been following a really busy schedule and a peaceful life, hence I haven't felt the need to open you and fill you up. I flew home a couple of weeks ago and things have kept me quite preoccupied especially the kitchen and mom.

You must be thinking now as to why I suddenly decided to pick up my pen and fill yet another page thus endangering another bamboo tree. The only reason being, a friend of mine who texted me recently asking me how I have been lately. I should have been immensely happy because you know how I love it when someone from my school days takes the time to write down three to four phrases of affection for me. Sadly his intentions of poking me via my WhatsApp were anything but good. It felt nice to think that my so-called friends actually cared about me. Unfortunately it was anything but a gesture of love and affection.

After all lust rules them all out.

My friend has found his soul mate in an apparently 'sweet and loving' girl who couldn't satisfy his beastly needs. So me being the back up plan gets a ping. 

Unfortunately diary I don't understand how phone sex was going to help him relieve himself either. I mean you have a body laying beside you permitting you to wolf it down however you have wanted. Yet you are hungry asking for more. How was a mere thought of another body permitting you another feast for supper going to calm down your beastly hormones?

Apparently she has a low sex drive. So? You would go around man-whoring? What the actual fuck! 

That wasn't even the worst part. I felt so cheap. Did I look like a home-wrecker? Apparently the phone coitus was not equivalent to cheating. Was that so? At that point, I did not give a damn as to what he was doing with his relationship with that female. What mattered to me was the way he had prostituted me in a second, forgetting our years of friendship and those nightly calls when he used to cry and wallow in his self pity after his previous break up and I used to stay up and listen to everything and whisper sweet nothings hoping he would sleep and not harm himself any further than he already had. The things I had done for him never really mattered to him at that moment. What mattered to him was the fact that he was hungry and in need of more fresh meat and that had to be me, a mere girl, a mere side chick, a mere toy to play with. 

Men are supposedly very fickle when it comes to women. They feel women leave them to stick their hips to someone better. It is definitely true with certain modifications of course. Some women do not wish to try and leave when they find someone better. But some women stay put and push them towards the right path and make the same man thousand times better than what he was before. What men have failed to understand is the fact that we live in an ever evolving world where we are supposed to adapt and be the best. After all Charles Darwin being a man himself had said - survival of the fittest. Why just not be better for someone who will bestow you with their love for their whole lives only to make you more successful? 

At first I gave up on finding love and now I have given up on the fact that chivalry is not dead. Men are hounds and so will they always remain - vicious hounds.

My heart strings are still holding on to those last bits of love which are on the verge of becoming extinct. And I truly feel shameful to the way I shower my love on people only to be stabbed repeatedly from behind. When love fails, it withers away and ultimately vaporizes. But when love - be it any form - is lost, you can hear the clanking of those glasses and breaking off the glasses into pieces of shards which prick your heart and bleed it without you actually realizing it until your heart just stops because you have bled out completely.

And let me tell you even then my heart has not turned into stone because they mean so much to me. They are alive in my heart because 'I' love them. 

I wish I could scold him and hit him with a golf stick just to see how far I could hit those balls. Whether they actually fell into the holes of hell or whether into some wolf's stomach. But no, I couldn't because somewhere my heart explained to me why he did what he did. Because he is a man 'with needs'.

The anger I hold in my heart is because of the disrespect we still get from men in the 21st century. Men love playing around you for a couple of days and then they apparently lose 'interest'. How I have never understood nor do I wish to comprehend. How could he do this to her and to me I do not wish to know. But I have understood one thing - 

Men will always be men. 

No matter how gentlemanly they are, they know how to thread their emotional web of lies and blackmail. 

Such wolves in sheep's clothing tend to slaughter the actual sheep. The females being the herder slaughter a good man's image in their hearts ultimately guillotining their heads of self respect in a pursuit of odding out the wolves. I have done that too and it breaks my heart to see such a ripper born in the place of an innocent red riding hood. 

But what could the red riding hood do if every wolf she passed by looked at her as if she were their supper for the night? 

How would she believe that there was her good ol' granny waiting for her in the woods of betrayal and mistrust? 

Unfortunate are all those honourable men who uphold a woman's dignity and needs above theirs because they are barely so many to fight against a mob of vicious and filthy patriarchal canines baring their teeth at every feministic sheep. 

God save the Queen (women). 

- Akankshya Panda 

Fossilizing originality

Hi diary,

It's been really long since I filled you in with everything that's happening with me. Today I don't wish to rant or complain about how I have been ill-treated by the world. Today I want to be the grown up I should have become the day I hit my rock bottom.

I have drastically changed, seen a very ugly part of the world which we oh so adorably have named the social media and tried to search for truth amongst lies.

Moved on, that's what I have been saying myself that I have been doing, where I was actually running around in circles. Going back into the same loopholes and mazeing around trying to find that right door to get out. How have I never understood that the labyrinth I was in actually regurgitated me out of it while I was the one swallowing myself into the same darkness over and over?

I remember those voices asking me to stop, but it was another 'Quake 3' moment for me reviving myself full of truth again in the labyrinth that was filled with nothing but lies.

When in Rome be a Roman, was what our grey haired men told us. But was losing our originality just to fit in and be cool amongst cool people the right way to live?

People around me were hypocrites, eves droppers, back stabbers etcetera. So was I supposed to reform myself as a Roman in this sordid city of Rome?

I realised after plenty of wannabe trials, that I was going to remain an Indian in this city of Rome and I think I am mighty proud of it. I was a fossil of that culture which believed in humanity and being good to people, but at the same time evolving an impenetrable shell around trying to create my glide path in the forest of disharmony and wade off those that tried to penetrate the shell and colour code my innocence red.

Akankshya Panda

The screams of your inner........ Alexa?

Hi diary,

I want to share something with you today. I am probably developing a soft corner for a person. A cute male to be in general. I have been talking to him for a while now and I love his docile and gentle nature, his deep voice, his chubby cheeks and his cute little self. Generally men don't like it when they are called cute but what am I supposed to compliment if his face screams cute?

When my eyes saw him for the first time, they were already processing the image ingraining it to my head. I was supposed to be angry because he was late for the date already. But I don't know I was positively quite calm about this. I am generally the one who is not punctual at all and he was worse than me. The clock in my brain was ticking away and with every minute passing by I was losing it. Being short tempered definitely can be harmful in such cases.

I was quite calm and that was a first. I probably already liked the cute one I was going to meet. But the moment he came and stopped doubtfully staring through his huge-for-his-head helmet, I understood it was him and raised my hand to give him a short wave confirming his doubts. He took off his helmet and my my I definitely had not expected such a good looking simpleton sitting on that bike like the King he was. I was definitely happy after seeing him and my heart skipped a beat. I shook hands and got on his bike and I was already losing myself because this cuteness was too hot to handle.

The more I spent time with him, the more he seemed beautiful to me. It was that inner beauty in him calling out to me like a shewolf to her mate. It would not be a bad idea to fall for such a beautiful person after all. I would love to spend more and more of my time with him.

When I was done with my date, he  dropped me at my place and I suddenly didn't want him to leave me and go. I wanted to keep him with me. Tie him up with a rope if he would deny and make him fall for me the way I did. (of course this was my very vivid imagination)

And that was when it all crashed, my inner demons stared at my not-so-pitiful face and laughed while asking me, "Did you forget the last time you fell in love?"

Such a beautiful moment broken like a glass and its shards pricking me mercilessly, my blood oozing from my heart and mind. How could I forget the last time I cried a bloodied ocean for a person who never felt the same?

A totally broken and deranged person like me definitely had no place in the room of love. How could I love another who would probably never love me back? How would I love anyone apart from me in the first place if all I had in my head was endless insecurities and ruthless doubts? What if he never loved me back? What if I make a fool out of myself? What if I only saw things in those beautiful eyes which I wanted to see and believe? What if he is so scared of my deranged mind that he runs out of my life like The Road-runner?

I have not healed nor am I healing anytime sooner, I understood that much. Why was it me diary? Why did it have to be me?

The world is a stage and all the people in it are just mere puppets. While the inner alexa wants what it wants and ultimately wins the battle against us.

P. S. Sorry diary you know how much 'Seven ages' by Shakespeare means to me.

Akankshya Panda

Timing your very own tide

Hi diary,

I never thought I would come back to you to write about my sordid life ever again. But a drunkard always finds his way to his beer bottle, his only form of solace.

You never know when somebody just changes his or her mind about you and walks out on you whilst you lie there drinking your sorrows away waiting for that very person to turn his or her head and snatch that bottle of poison out of your hands and slap sense into you, telling you that they are there for you.

But are they really now?

My hallucinating mind wishes not to believe their well knit phrases because it has seen people spitting out a sputum of lies which clogs the listener's ears and they can't hear anything but those lies.

Love is not easy, I know that. It never has been. Be it in any form. There is always that constant fear of betrayal after you have faced it once.

Does this mean I will never recover?

A betrayal of your lover is nothing compared to a betrayal of your most loved friend. I felt that today. The lover can only slice the strings of your heart but your friend can squeeze your heart, like a sponge, completely dry. The fact that I don't deserve an explanation for what just transpired between us is making my head spin like a tornado. I so wish I never made bottle tornados when I was a little girl.

This tornado uprooted the trees of my life, the fruits of my happiness and leaves of my dignity. I cannot even wish right now that I never met my best friend ever because of the love I have for that very person. I would rather die than wish for that. I still don't understand where I went wrong though. Is it always me? The sole reason I lose out on people? Am I not worth trying? Am I not worthy of anything in this world?

I scream at God for always taking away those precious little gifts bestowed upon me by Him which I always treasure. Why give something only to snatch it away without even giving me a chance to treasure them even more?

I still can see that very person pleading for me to give him a chance. I am always ready to give them a thousand chances, after all I never like losing out on anyone. But am I ready to face that pain again? Maybe I am. Because I love them that much. But then won't that person take me for granted?

I remember that very friend of mine saying,
"Wait and see if people are willing to try for you."

I don't wish to wait. I want to walk ahead. If that person loves me then he will catch up with my rabbit-paced walk.

If time and tide wait for none, why should I?

Akankshya Panda..........

The importance of my personal August 15th

Hey diary,

I was so happy a few days ago because I thought the internal battle that I had been fighting has finally ended and I had triumphed. Yes it is true and I am quite happy but now I am facing the worst phase after a battle.

PTSD...  (post traumatic stress disorder)

This is something you will never ask even for your worst enemies. You will feel like there is a hurricane swirling and whirlpooling the last bits of your sanity. As you will be holding on to your sanity whilst it is getting pulled into the eye of your storm, you will realise suddenly that the hurricane was never there in the first place. It was just a hallucination of your deepest fears mimicking to engulf you as a whole.

The reason of the battle will be the thing you will try your best to avoid throughout your life. Like for me, it was being obsessed by something which was never mine to begin with. It was my own self that failed to come to terms with the fact that it was not meant to be. Self destruction is the worst destruction and I was destroyed beyond repair and i was the sole reason.

My dumb self waited and waited for my order to arrive which I had not even paid for and when the order never arrived at my doorstep, I yelled at the customer care appearing like a madman on the loose.

After several hits, I have come to realise what I am cut out for and love was definitely not on the list. Because love came with expectations and these vile emotions are the cornerstones to all of my problems......

Winning my personal August 15th was just the beginning. Sustaining my August 15th was what was important. As long as I jalbreak from the chains used to tie me up by my own monsters, I will always be the independent and peaceful soul that I have always wanted.

Akankshya Panda

Acceptance

Hey diary,

I have always felt myself to be the righteous and most virtuous one. But was I really? Was I that flawless? Was I doing the right thing?

No I wasn't. I had failed to realise that until now. I have behaved like a street urchin and ranted about my broken heart to the entire solar system.  But was he really the cause of my distraught self?

No he wasn't. It was me.

He always asked me to walk away because he had nothing to give to me. Not even the only thing that I had asked of him. His time.

Those nightly calls and coffee dates had meant nothing to him while they meant the world to me. And he had told me about it. He had told me that I did not deserve an uncouth and notorious horndog like him. He had told me that I deserved much better. He had told me I was one for keeps as I was too pure which he had wished to taint so bad. But now that he had a change of heart he wanted me to leave him.

I always blamed him, yelled at him, cried my personal ganga, yamuna and saraswati pleading him to give me that one beautiful chance that I was craving so much so that I could shower him with all the love that he deserved and warm his frosted heart. But all in vain. He could not do that.

Back then I never understood why he didn't want me. I started underestimating myself in all the ways that I could. My self confidence faltered drastically. I was losing myself in the whirlpools of self hatred. My life was going round in circles and I was so lost. My eyes were dry and I lay there lost in my own Thar of life.

Now my comatose heart and mind whisper and ask me, why had you stayed? He never asked me to. He never wanted me to. He was never mine in the first place. Then why? Why was I wasting my precious hours on earth and why was I blaming him all the time?

He is an adult and a citizen of a democratic nation. He has the right to choose with who he wanted to spend his life. How was he wrong in the first place?

It was me who was the one nagging for his attention. It was me who had created a pirated illusion of him which was anything but him. It was me who had fallen in love with that same illusion perceiving it to be real.

Throughout it was me who was deceiving myself. It was me who was hurting herself. It was me who was in the wrong. And it was high time, I realise that and stop beating about the bush.

The new me does not hold him responsible anymore. I had become better and more mature. After all an ugly duckling had grown up to become a beautiful Swan and it was all because of him.

The choices that we take are not wrong or right. They are a beautiful memory or an ugly experience. He was an ugly experience which taught me what I never learnt from school. He taught me that a NO meant an ABSOLUTE NO, without any gender bias.

Akankshya Panda

The silver lining

Hey love,

I have missed writing in you. The immense pleasure that you bestow upon me once I pick up my pen and jot down those beautiful moments as if screenshotting the best meme, makes me want to come back to you and fill you in all the time. You have been there with me all the time, be it the times of grief or joy or anxiety.

Today after a long time I have come back to you because I have finally found a silver lining to my cloud. I found her this morning staring at me with doe like eyes and puckered lips trying to look cute. Her short hair bouncing as she jumped at the site of me coming closer and standing in front of the mirror. For the first time, I was happy to see the godly sight.

She was so happy today because she had realised something. She had found herself. She had finally made it out of the dark labyrinth that was a-maze-ing the hell out of her brains. She realised that she was going to end up here no matter what road she took because she had taken the road least trotted upon because this was fate. She had her Robert Frost moment because that was what she was destined to follow. No matter what.

She had a rough take off and she was not sure how the flight would be. She was pilotting her life on her own for the very first time. A rough start always meant a rough obstacle race. Indeed she faced major turbulence. The dark clouds stood in her path and thundered at her, not before striking her with flashes of lightening. She was afraid and scared, battered and bruised. She was falling, being pulled by the force of gravity and get dumped into the earthly craters. Oh no! Was that the end?

Oh definitely not!

As she was going to fall with a thud she picked up her pace. Where was this little treasure of energy, you ask? She found her ray of hope beaming at her with radiance. The ray of hope saying, "You would have met me, no matter which path you have taken. It is better that you chose a difficult path to find me. Now you will love me even more."

She did not believe those words deeming it false. But she wished to try, she didn't want to be a fallen angel. She would rather be a victorious daughter of the devil. She flapped her wings of encouragement and flew upwards with the little energy left in her body, towards the silver lining amongst the same angry clouds that were thwarting their electrical bursts of energy at her which were now creating an aisle for her to walk down to the bride groom awaiting her at the altar.

Mere flesh and blood

Hello diary,

I was watching a beautiful bengali series based on a novel by Sarat Chandra Chatterjee and felt myself being related to the protagonist. Throughout the series, the protagonist who loves her husband dearly falls prey to men who are only after the assets of feminism that she possesses.
Throughout the men in the drama have objectified her and have wolved down her pure innocence every second.

Women are delicate creatures. They are delicate not only mentally but also physically. Men use this against women and have for many centuries tried to overpower them.

Whenever a woman like me has gone out in search of love, she has always faced betrayal. She is told one story all the time - we have been hurt before. I really want to ask all the men - Have you been hurt? Really?

If they had been hurt, they wouldn't hurt another soul. Atleast I wouldn't had I been in their place. Do you think luring a woman into your dark caves, waiting there with a wicked smile for your prey to fall into your trap and love you like never before, whilst you sit there tearing her limbs apart, smeared in her blood of tears and then growling in victory because you earned another notch on your belt, does not hurt them?

Let me answer that - IT F**KING HURTS!

My male friends say girls are like cats and boys are like dogs because of the similarities in personalities. Well I personally feel women are like sheep and men are like wolves and their sheep skin is nothing but the web of lies that they have weaved with their words.

Well at least the men who definitely have a way with their words, are.

They give us blind hopes and expectations which will never, in our wildest dreams, ever come true. Such temporary people give us permanent scars. But who cares, we are mere flesh and blood with no name and no dignity waiting to be cooked in a cauldron set up by such vicious men in the world or rather the 'honourable men' as described by Shakespeare in his play 'Julius Caesar'.

But papa always told me that after Caesar died, he was more powerful as his spirit lived on and lit a fire in the hearts of the common men. Similarly a woman coming back from the dead is more powerful and more focussed in her life as she is no more a human. She is now a super human.....

Dedicated to all the women who have some day loved someone not worthy enough, too dearly.

Akankshya Panda

Deleting negativity

Hey diary,

It feels so good whenever I write in you. You take away all the negative energy bubbling inside of me waiting to burst out like lava which will flow and incinerate the people close to me just like the city of Pompeii. I realized that the more the negative energy fizzled out, the more I could protect the people around me.

I have always been surrounded by love and care. I have always been pampered throughout my life but as I grew older, I realized that not everyone has been caring about me. They lend their love with a charge of a pricey interest and ultimately I was indebted to them. This cycle continued all over.

I have been walked over by so many people so many times. They came to me only when they wanted something and I did everything for them because they meant something to me. I loved them and gave them a place in my heart but the heart that roofed their heads was being cut open by them when there was always a door out. They were drilling the walls of my heart with their behaviour not bothering about the pain they were causing me, not bothering about the blood I was spitting out of my mouth. I remember seeing them standing there looking down upon their vicious incarnation of me asking for help whilst holding onto the last strings of my life and my chest that bled out the last litre of blood, with victorious smiles on their faces while I lay there counting my last breaths. They laughed and kicked sand onto my face.

As my eyes were about to shut forever, I saw from the corners of my weeping eyes, some samaritans running towards me yelling for me to hold on and not give up. They ran up to me and held me in their arms not listening to the negativity standing above them. They held me in their arms, gave me CPR and stitched me up completely, making my heart pump all over again. That was when I realized they were my positive energy.

I stood up healed yet scarred. And they stood covering me like a shield. Not allowing any negativity to breach in and strike me down all over again. Should I say I was lucky enough?

P. S. I am sorry diary but you were not the only source of positive energy. I have a few more besides you and they know it. ❤️

Akankshya Panda

Cut-throat

Hey diary,

I find so much peace, when I am writing in you. You are the best thing I could ever have because you are the only thing that has embraced my flawed self and has never judged. You have soaked in all my grief like a sponge and have calmly radiated your positivity. No matter the people you have in this world, you are actually on your own.

This world is all about getting more and more and more and I am no different. I have always chased after the things which could never be mine and dropped every little piece that screamed 'me'.

I ran behind them too. Vying for their attention, keeping all those little things they love in my mind, being their shoulder to cry on, wiping their sorrows away, being the reason of their roaring laughter etc.

But they are least bothered. No matter the things you do for them. No matter the love you shower. No matter the hatred you fight off for them and being their Knight in shining armor. No matter the armor you become and get struck by the lightening itself.

No matter what you do to help them survive in this diabolical world.

In fact, the more you do for them, the more they take from you. They keep taking until you're totally dry and there's no more left of you. That's when you will be a good-for-nothing carcass for them and they toss you out of their way.

It is almost like the relationship between a human and mother nature. We deplete all the resources and give nothing back to the earth.

People generally tend to forget that the giver from whom they have robbed everything was actually a phoenix that will rise from the dead and they are not the same anymore, they have a fire in them that will burn you to ashes and unfortunately you are not a phoenix.

Boom you just created

Cut-throat........

Akankshya Panda

Classifying the opposite sex

Hey diary,

If there is always a yin, then there's a yang. If there's good, there's bad. If there's black, there's definitely white. If there are women, there are definitely men.

The male species is very intriguing and dangerous just like the earth. The deeper you dig in, the more they burn you - either with pleasure or with grief.

Now let me classify them based on my observation.

There are 3 kinds of men in this universe.

The first category of men are the frank ones with an unfiltered mouth but with clean hearts. They will explicitly tell the woman their deepest and darkest desires unabashedly. Though they don't care about their opposite gender, they don't hurt them as well. Let's rate them - neutral

The second category of men are the friendly and nice ones. They treat their opposite gender much better than the other categories and care for them although there wouldn't be any romantic feelings shared between the two parties. Let's rate them - positive.

The above two categories can be deemed safe for the women population.

The third category - which I personally feel is the vicious category. They are like the pythons slithering around you, waiting for you to lower your guard and they choke you whole instantly killing you and then swallowing you. They will care for you and pamper you like the doll you are until they slowly crawl into your bed and chug you down like the prey you are. These people are the real gamers of life and the lessons they teach you either break you or mould you. They teach you the real meaning of survival of the fittest.
This category consists of the nicest men turned evil. Like a broken glass, they will instantly prick your heart and bleed you out. They roll beneath your sheets all through the night and when you open your eyes, you are hit with the worst hangover. The hangover being a cold bedside. I am sure these will be rated negative.

I have met a plethora of people and I know I must not judge a person in the first couple of days, but our wise elders have taught us that
"The first impression lasts long."  and  "Your subconscious mind is always right."

Untimately it's our call to decide what we want and what we need because no matter the amount of advices, it is us who has to wo-man up and decide. And boy I tell you it requires lot of strength and courage to take such legendary decisions. Ask me and it is a post for another day.

Akankshya Panda

The transformation

Hey diary,

The things I have done to recuperate! It doesn't even feel right. I am happy where I am. I am happy with what I have become. But is that the real me? The sweet and innocent little girl who could see only the good in everyone died in the tunnel and was rotting inside it and no one cared because out emerged from the same tunnel a bold and confident girl who had a heart of steel and eyes that could pierce through and cut your soul.

Everyone liked this girl, their hearts racing like formula one. Everyone wanted to bed her, she looked like the best of her kind. But that was it. They only wanted to bed her. They definitely wished to peel off the only piece of dignity covering her but nobody wanted to take off the armour she was wearing around her heart. They wanted her to feel the heat of their body but didn't wish to radiate the warmth to her heart.

This was nothing new for her. He was the one who showed her the true colours of the opposite gender and they all belonged to the same species. Only longing to calm down the excitement in their loins without caring about what she wanted.

The bold female definitely loved tickling their lust with her confidence and she was fine with it. This was how the male species could be subdued. She had many she could talk to and have fun with but ultimately she always longed for that one man who could see past the facade and save the rotting innocence.

But as she met more and more number of the opposite gender she realized that she already had that one man who could pamper her and love her the most.

The person being the wo-man herself.

It took her so many months and men to understand that she had herself and her little diary which was nothing but a replica of herself who loved her more than ever.

It takes years to accept what you are and you have all the time in this world. It did for me too. It took me quite some time to realize that I loved being who I was and who I had become. I definitely missed that innocent me tarnished by the pollution of selfishness and hypocrisy. Just like copper which tarnishes after quite some time, we do too. The oxide layer is very much important to protect us from destroying ourselves any further.

The oxide layer being our acceptance.....

Akankshya Panda

I, me and myself

Good morning journal,

I have always enjoyed writing in you and found solace in you. You have been the only thing that has not judged me ever.
I remember sitting inside the bathroom for long hours to write in you and to keep you a secret. But as we have gone almost two decades into the twenty first century, people post such memorable secrets on the social media. The element of surprise is no longer alive. People wish to show others how they are so unhappy with their life.

I know I sound like a hypocrite, aren't I one in the first place? Just because today I am doing the same thing.........posting my sob story on the Internet? But then I realized, I should do what feels right to me even if I am a hypocrite. That's how I must lead my life. That's how I will love the most amazing person - me

A very close friend of mine shared the same fate as me when it came to love. I was unable to tell her what she was supposed to do because I never understood the strategy in the battle of love. But being the warrior that she was, she fought her own battle herself. She learnt it all and struck down her opponent hard although the opponent was successful enough in plunging his sword deep into the caverns of her heart.

She bled silently, without groaning in pain for once. We both were fighting our own battles and she came to me with her open heart still bleeding to save me from my opponent. I was so lost in the whirlpools whirling in his eyes that little had I realized that a dagger had been plunged deep into my heart.

Unlike her I roared in pain and writhed in anger for having been so foolish. But together we had overpowered him and had won. How you ask? By surviving those vicious poundings of pain our activated pain receptors.

Lost love is like trigeminal neuralgia. The pain is so much that you wish to end it once and for all. It is very difficult to get through and start living again.

But we did it. Why? Because we loved ourselves. Because we couldn't lose our love again.

Self love is the real love and I learnt how to love myself because of him.

Akankshya Panda 

Pitfalls of love

Hey diary,

I don't know how long I will be able to hold on to this. This imminent grief lying at the pits of my heart causing immense pain at the thought of the cause. Being 23 is not easy. Being a 23 year old girl is not easy. A cherry on top, being a 23 year old girl in love is far from easy.

Love is a very versatile feeling that can happen any time, any second, any minute. That was a universal myth and is continuing to be until people like us come up and jot down in you what it actually is.

Love is a feeling of happiness when you are supposed to be sad.
Love is a feeling of being right when you are horribly in the wrong.
Love is a feeling of appreciation of a monster disguised in the form of a deity.
Love is the calm before the storm.
Love is everything that is wrong.

They say loving the right person flourishes your love life. But is that love?
Loving a flawless person is so easy because everything is right about them. But every yin has its yang.
Initially, it all looks so beautiful, so charming, so loveable. It leaves a raw smile with a slight bite on your lips.
But as you walk the talk with the person you love, you start finding their flaws.
And that is when your feelings are tested.
Is that love or not?
If you blindly accept their in-built flaws, you are in love.
Else you are not.

But how long can a person acknowledge their lover's folly? How long should they withstand the pain? The pain that is being inflicted upon them?

Being with them gives us pain, being without them gives us pain.

Now you tell me my dear diary, what should I do?

Akankshya Panda

The beginning of the mayhem

Hey diary,
I am so sorry I lost you somewhere. I can't find you. You have my darkest secrets hidden inside of you. Well the past should always be buried 6 to 7 feet below. That's how we walk and catch up with the unstoppable - time.
Time has always taught me tarnished yet beautiful things. 4 years ago, I was a meek, ignorant person trying to be a Roman in Rome. But little had I known that these 4 years completely transformed me from a shy and innocent girl to a bold and cunning woman. I shall never forget these 4 years of my life. My wrong choices were the right paths to my development. Sad, I had the slightest knowledge of it.
A beautiful memory turning into a wretched mistake requires only your acceptance. Do you know what I call this? I name this love.
When you are in love, you create an imaginary bubble and float inside of it until you come across a thorn and the bubble bursts.
A sudden waft of knowledge slams into your head and that is when you realise that you were in an imaginary world.
A lover is like a traveller walking across a desert called love whilst the person on the receiving end or the loved one is like a mirage. From far away, it gives the lover a beautiful glimpse of watery love and as the lover paces closer, boom the mirage is gone and the lover a goner.
Love is a beautiful yet ugly experience of life.
People say that it's better to have loved and then lost rather than not have loved at all.
Is it really true? And if so, at what cost? At the cost of yourself?
I would rather go back in time and never love than lose myself the way I have. I fell in love and lost him to the wilderness of his cunning mind. But did I actually lose him? No. I lost my innocence. I lost my faith in love. I lost my dignity.
Love happens spontaneously so I don't think I can be blamed for loving the wrong person.
I still remember his vile words piercing through my heart, almost killing me on spot. But whom can I blame for clogging my heart making it so difficult to beat yet again? Nobody.
Hence my sincere advice choose peace instead of happiness.
😊

Akankshya Panda ❤️