Acceptance

Hey diary,

I have always felt myself to be the righteous and most virtuous one. But was I really? Was I that flawless? Was I doing the right thing?

No I wasn't. I had failed to realise that until now. I have behaved like a street urchin and ranted about my broken heart to the entire solar system.  But was he really the cause of my distraught self?

No he wasn't. It was me.

He always asked me to walk away because he had nothing to give to me. Not even the only thing that I had asked of him. His time.

Those nightly calls and coffee dates had meant nothing to him while they meant the world to me. And he had told me about it. He had told me that I did not deserve an uncouth and notorious horndog like him. He had told me that I deserved much better. He had told me I was one for keeps as I was too pure which he had wished to taint so bad. But now that he had a change of heart he wanted me to leave him.

I always blamed him, yelled at him, cried my personal ganga, yamuna and saraswati pleading him to give me that one beautiful chance that I was craving so much so that I could shower him with all the love that he deserved and warm his frosted heart. But all in vain. He could not do that.

Back then I never understood why he didn't want me. I started underestimating myself in all the ways that I could. My self confidence faltered drastically. I was losing myself in the whirlpools of self hatred. My life was going round in circles and I was so lost. My eyes were dry and I lay there lost in my own Thar of life.

Now my comatose heart and mind whisper and ask me, why had you stayed? He never asked me to. He never wanted me to. He was never mine in the first place. Then why? Why was I wasting my precious hours on earth and why was I blaming him all the time?

He is an adult and a citizen of a democratic nation. He has the right to choose with who he wanted to spend his life. How was he wrong in the first place?

It was me who was the one nagging for his attention. It was me who had created a pirated illusion of him which was anything but him. It was me who had fallen in love with that same illusion perceiving it to be real.

Throughout it was me who was deceiving myself. It was me who was hurting herself. It was me who was in the wrong. And it was high time, I realise that and stop beating about the bush.

The new me does not hold him responsible anymore. I had become better and more mature. After all an ugly duckling had grown up to become a beautiful Swan and it was all because of him.

The choices that we take are not wrong or right. They are a beautiful memory or an ugly experience. He was an ugly experience which taught me what I never learnt from school. He taught me that a NO meant an ABSOLUTE NO, without any gender bias.

Akankshya Panda

The silver lining

Hey love,

I have missed writing in you. The immense pleasure that you bestow upon me once I pick up my pen and jot down those beautiful moments as if screenshotting the best meme, makes me want to come back to you and fill you in all the time. You have been there with me all the time, be it the times of grief or joy or anxiety.

Today after a long time I have come back to you because I have finally found a silver lining to my cloud. I found her this morning staring at me with doe like eyes and puckered lips trying to look cute. Her short hair bouncing as she jumped at the site of me coming closer and standing in front of the mirror. For the first time, I was happy to see the godly sight.

She was so happy today because she had realised something. She had found herself. She had finally made it out of the dark labyrinth that was a-maze-ing the hell out of her brains. She realised that she was going to end up here no matter what road she took because she had taken the road least trotted upon because this was fate. She had her Robert Frost moment because that was what she was destined to follow. No matter what.

She had a rough take off and she was not sure how the flight would be. She was pilotting her life on her own for the very first time. A rough start always meant a rough obstacle race. Indeed she faced major turbulence. The dark clouds stood in her path and thundered at her, not before striking her with flashes of lightening. She was afraid and scared, battered and bruised. She was falling, being pulled by the force of gravity and get dumped into the earthly craters. Oh no! Was that the end?

Oh definitely not!

As she was going to fall with a thud she picked up her pace. Where was this little treasure of energy, you ask? She found her ray of hope beaming at her with radiance. The ray of hope saying, "You would have met me, no matter which path you have taken. It is better that you chose a difficult path to find me. Now you will love me even more."

She did not believe those words deeming it false. But she wished to try, she didn't want to be a fallen angel. She would rather be a victorious daughter of the devil. She flapped her wings of encouragement and flew upwards with the little energy left in her body, towards the silver lining amongst the same angry clouds that were thwarting their electrical bursts of energy at her which were now creating an aisle for her to walk down to the bride groom awaiting her at the altar.

Mere flesh and blood

Hello diary,

I was watching a beautiful bengali series based on a novel by Sarat Chandra Chatterjee and felt myself being related to the protagonist. Throughout the series, the protagonist who loves her husband dearly falls prey to men who are only after the assets of feminism that she possesses.
Throughout the men in the drama have objectified her and have wolved down her pure innocence every second.

Women are delicate creatures. They are delicate not only mentally but also physically. Men use this against women and have for many centuries tried to overpower them.

Whenever a woman like me has gone out in search of love, she has always faced betrayal. She is told one story all the time - we have been hurt before. I really want to ask all the men - Have you been hurt? Really?

If they had been hurt, they wouldn't hurt another soul. Atleast I wouldn't had I been in their place. Do you think luring a woman into your dark caves, waiting there with a wicked smile for your prey to fall into your trap and love you like never before, whilst you sit there tearing her limbs apart, smeared in her blood of tears and then growling in victory because you earned another notch on your belt, does not hurt them?

Let me answer that - IT F**KING HURTS!

My male friends say girls are like cats and boys are like dogs because of the similarities in personalities. Well I personally feel women are like sheep and men are like wolves and their sheep skin is nothing but the web of lies that they have weaved with their words.

Well at least the men who definitely have a way with their words, are.

They give us blind hopes and expectations which will never, in our wildest dreams, ever come true. Such temporary people give us permanent scars. But who cares, we are mere flesh and blood with no name and no dignity waiting to be cooked in a cauldron set up by such vicious men in the world or rather the 'honourable men' as described by Shakespeare in his play 'Julius Caesar'.

But papa always told me that after Caesar died, he was more powerful as his spirit lived on and lit a fire in the hearts of the common men. Similarly a woman coming back from the dead is more powerful and more focussed in her life as she is no more a human. She is now a super human.....

Dedicated to all the women who have some day loved someone not worthy enough, too dearly.

Akankshya Panda

Deleting negativity

Hey diary,

It feels so good whenever I write in you. You take away all the negative energy bubbling inside of me waiting to burst out like lava which will flow and incinerate the people close to me just like the city of Pompeii. I realized that the more the negative energy fizzled out, the more I could protect the people around me.

I have always been surrounded by love and care. I have always been pampered throughout my life but as I grew older, I realized that not everyone has been caring about me. They lend their love with a charge of a pricey interest and ultimately I was indebted to them. This cycle continued all over.

I have been walked over by so many people so many times. They came to me only when they wanted something and I did everything for them because they meant something to me. I loved them and gave them a place in my heart but the heart that roofed their heads was being cut open by them when there was always a door out. They were drilling the walls of my heart with their behaviour not bothering about the pain they were causing me, not bothering about the blood I was spitting out of my mouth. I remember seeing them standing there looking down upon their vicious incarnation of me asking for help whilst holding onto the last strings of my life and my chest that bled out the last litre of blood, with victorious smiles on their faces while I lay there counting my last breaths. They laughed and kicked sand onto my face.

As my eyes were about to shut forever, I saw from the corners of my weeping eyes, some samaritans running towards me yelling for me to hold on and not give up. They ran up to me and held me in their arms not listening to the negativity standing above them. They held me in their arms, gave me CPR and stitched me up completely, making my heart pump all over again. That was when I realized they were my positive energy.

I stood up healed yet scarred. And they stood covering me like a shield. Not allowing any negativity to breach in and strike me down all over again. Should I say I was lucky enough?

P. S. I am sorry diary but you were not the only source of positive energy. I have a few more besides you and they know it. ❤️

Akankshya Panda

Cut-throat

Hey diary,

I find so much peace, when I am writing in you. You are the best thing I could ever have because you are the only thing that has embraced my flawed self and has never judged. You have soaked in all my grief like a sponge and have calmly radiated your positivity. No matter the people you have in this world, you are actually on your own.

This world is all about getting more and more and more and I am no different. I have always chased after the things which could never be mine and dropped every little piece that screamed 'me'.

I ran behind them too. Vying for their attention, keeping all those little things they love in my mind, being their shoulder to cry on, wiping their sorrows away, being the reason of their roaring laughter etc.

But they are least bothered. No matter the things you do for them. No matter the love you shower. No matter the hatred you fight off for them and being their Knight in shining armor. No matter the armor you become and get struck by the lightening itself.

No matter what you do to help them survive in this diabolical world.

In fact, the more you do for them, the more they take from you. They keep taking until you're totally dry and there's no more left of you. That's when you will be a good-for-nothing carcass for them and they toss you out of their way.

It is almost like the relationship between a human and mother nature. We deplete all the resources and give nothing back to the earth.

People generally tend to forget that the giver from whom they have robbed everything was actually a phoenix that will rise from the dead and they are not the same anymore, they have a fire in them that will burn you to ashes and unfortunately you are not a phoenix.

Boom you just created

Cut-throat........

Akankshya Panda

Classifying the opposite sex

Hey diary,

If there is always a yin, then there's a yang. If there's good, there's bad. If there's black, there's definitely white. If there are women, there are definitely men.

The male species is very intriguing and dangerous just like the earth. The deeper you dig in, the more they burn you - either with pleasure or with grief.

Now let me classify them based on my observation.

There are 3 kinds of men in this universe.

The first category of men are the frank ones with an unfiltered mouth but with clean hearts. They will explicitly tell the woman their deepest and darkest desires unabashedly. Though they don't care about their opposite gender, they don't hurt them as well. Let's rate them - neutral

The second category of men are the friendly and nice ones. They treat their opposite gender much better than the other categories and care for them although there wouldn't be any romantic feelings shared between the two parties. Let's rate them - positive.

The above two categories can be deemed safe for the women population.

The third category - which I personally feel is the vicious category. They are like the pythons slithering around you, waiting for you to lower your guard and they choke you whole instantly killing you and then swallowing you. They will care for you and pamper you like the doll you are until they slowly crawl into your bed and chug you down like the prey you are. These people are the real gamers of life and the lessons they teach you either break you or mould you. They teach you the real meaning of survival of the fittest.
This category consists of the nicest men turned evil. Like a broken glass, they will instantly prick your heart and bleed you out. They roll beneath your sheets all through the night and when you open your eyes, you are hit with the worst hangover. The hangover being a cold bedside. I am sure these will be rated negative.

I have met a plethora of people and I know I must not judge a person in the first couple of days, but our wise elders have taught us that
"The first impression lasts long."  and  "Your subconscious mind is always right."

Untimately it's our call to decide what we want and what we need because no matter the amount of advices, it is us who has to wo-man up and decide. And boy I tell you it requires lot of strength and courage to take such legendary decisions. Ask me and it is a post for another day.

Akankshya Panda

The transformation

Hey diary,

The things I have done to recuperate! It doesn't even feel right. I am happy where I am. I am happy with what I have become. But is that the real me? The sweet and innocent little girl who could see only the good in everyone died in the tunnel and was rotting inside it and no one cared because out emerged from the same tunnel a bold and confident girl who had a heart of steel and eyes that could pierce through and cut your soul.

Everyone liked this girl, their hearts racing like formula one. Everyone wanted to bed her, she looked like the best of her kind. But that was it. They only wanted to bed her. They definitely wished to peel off the only piece of dignity covering her but nobody wanted to take off the armour she was wearing around her heart. They wanted her to feel the heat of their body but didn't wish to radiate the warmth to her heart.

This was nothing new for her. He was the one who showed her the true colours of the opposite gender and they all belonged to the same species. Only longing to calm down the excitement in their loins without caring about what she wanted.

The bold female definitely loved tickling their lust with her confidence and she was fine with it. This was how the male species could be subdued. She had many she could talk to and have fun with but ultimately she always longed for that one man who could see past the facade and save the rotting innocence.

But as she met more and more number of the opposite gender she realized that she already had that one man who could pamper her and love her the most.

The person being the wo-man herself.

It took her so many months and men to understand that she had herself and her little diary which was nothing but a replica of herself who loved her more than ever.

It takes years to accept what you are and you have all the time in this world. It did for me too. It took me quite some time to realize that I loved being who I was and who I had become. I definitely missed that innocent me tarnished by the pollution of selfishness and hypocrisy. Just like copper which tarnishes after quite some time, we do too. The oxide layer is very much important to protect us from destroying ourselves any further.

The oxide layer being our acceptance.....

Akankshya Panda

I, me and myself

Good morning journal,

I have always enjoyed writing in you and found solace in you. You have been the only thing that has not judged me ever.
I remember sitting inside the bathroom for long hours to write in you and to keep you a secret. But as we have gone almost two decades into the twenty first century, people post such memorable secrets on the social media. The element of surprise is no longer alive. People wish to show others how they are so unhappy with their life.

I know I sound like a hypocrite, aren't I one in the first place? Just because today I am doing the same thing.........posting my sob story on the Internet? But then I realized, I should do what feels right to me even if I am a hypocrite. That's how I must lead my life. That's how I will love the most amazing person - me

A very close friend of mine shared the same fate as me when it came to love. I was unable to tell her what she was supposed to do because I never understood the strategy in the battle of love. But being the warrior that she was, she fought her own battle herself. She learnt it all and struck down her opponent hard although the opponent was successful enough in plunging his sword deep into the caverns of her heart.

She bled silently, without groaning in pain for once. We both were fighting our own battles and she came to me with her open heart still bleeding to save me from my opponent. I was so lost in the whirlpools whirling in his eyes that little had I realized that a dagger had been plunged deep into my heart.

Unlike her I roared in pain and writhed in anger for having been so foolish. But together we had overpowered him and had won. How you ask? By surviving those vicious poundings of pain our activated pain receptors.

Lost love is like trigeminal neuralgia. The pain is so much that you wish to end it once and for all. It is very difficult to get through and start living again.

But we did it. Why? Because we loved ourselves. Because we couldn't lose our love again.

Self love is the real love and I learnt how to love myself because of him.

Akankshya Panda 

Pitfalls of love

Hey diary,

I don't know how long I will be able to hold on to this. This imminent grief lying at the pits of my heart causing immense pain at the thought of the cause. Being 23 is not easy. Being a 23 year old girl is not easy. A cherry on top, being a 23 year old girl in love is far from easy.

Love is a very versatile feeling that can happen any time, any second, any minute. That was a universal myth and is continuing to be until people like us come up and jot down in you what it actually is.

Love is a feeling of happiness when you are supposed to be sad.
Love is a feeling of being right when you are horribly in the wrong.
Love is a feeling of appreciation of a monster disguised in the form of a deity.
Love is the calm before the storm.
Love is everything that is wrong.

They say loving the right person flourishes your love life. But is that love?
Loving a flawless person is so easy because everything is right about them. But every yin has its yang.
Initially, it all looks so beautiful, so charming, so loveable. It leaves a raw smile with a slight bite on your lips.
But as you walk the talk with the person you love, you start finding their flaws.
And that is when your feelings are tested.
Is that love or not?
If you blindly accept their in-built flaws, you are in love.
Else you are not.

But how long can a person acknowledge their lover's folly? How long should they withstand the pain? The pain that is being inflicted upon them?

Being with them gives us pain, being without them gives us pain.

Now you tell me my dear diary, what should I do?

Akankshya Panda

The beginning of the mayhem

Hey diary,
I am so sorry I lost you somewhere. I can't find you. You have my darkest secrets hidden inside of you. Well the past should always be buried 6 to 7 feet below. That's how we walk and catch up with the unstoppable - time.
Time has always taught me tarnished yet beautiful things. 4 years ago, I was a meek, ignorant person trying to be a Roman in Rome. But little had I known that these 4 years completely transformed me from a shy and innocent girl to a bold and cunning woman. I shall never forget these 4 years of my life. My wrong choices were the right paths to my development. Sad, I had the slightest knowledge of it.
A beautiful memory turning into a wretched mistake requires only your acceptance. Do you know what I call this? I name this love.
When you are in love, you create an imaginary bubble and float inside of it until you come across a thorn and the bubble bursts.
A sudden waft of knowledge slams into your head and that is when you realise that you were in an imaginary world.
A lover is like a traveller walking across a desert called love whilst the person on the receiving end or the loved one is like a mirage. From far away, it gives the lover a beautiful glimpse of watery love and as the lover paces closer, boom the mirage is gone and the lover a goner.
Love is a beautiful yet ugly experience of life.
People say that it's better to have loved and then lost rather than not have loved at all.
Is it really true? And if so, at what cost? At the cost of yourself?
I would rather go back in time and never love than lose myself the way I have. I fell in love and lost him to the wilderness of his cunning mind. But did I actually lose him? No. I lost my innocence. I lost my faith in love. I lost my dignity.
Love happens spontaneously so I don't think I can be blamed for loving the wrong person.
I still remember his vile words piercing through my heart, almost killing me on spot. But whom can I blame for clogging my heart making it so difficult to beat yet again? Nobody.
Hence my sincere advice choose peace instead of happiness.
😊

Akankshya Panda ❤️