Acceptance

Hey diary,

I have always felt myself to be the righteous and most virtuous one. But was I really? Was I that flawless? Was I doing the right thing?

No I wasn't. I had failed to realise that until now. I have behaved like a street urchin and ranted about my broken heart to the entire solar system.  But was he really the cause of my distraught self?

No he wasn't. It was me.

He always asked me to walk away because he had nothing to give to me. Not even the only thing that I had asked of him. His time.

Those nightly calls and coffee dates had meant nothing to him while they meant the world to me. And he had told me about it. He had told me that I did not deserve an uncouth and notorious horndog like him. He had told me that I deserved much better. He had told me I was one for keeps as I was too pure which he had wished to taint so bad. But now that he had a change of heart he wanted me to leave him.

I always blamed him, yelled at him, cried my personal ganga, yamuna and saraswati pleading him to give me that one beautiful chance that I was craving so much so that I could shower him with all the love that he deserved and warm his frosted heart. But all in vain. He could not do that.

Back then I never understood why he didn't want me. I started underestimating myself in all the ways that I could. My self confidence faltered drastically. I was losing myself in the whirlpools of self hatred. My life was going round in circles and I was so lost. My eyes were dry and I lay there lost in my own Thar of life.

Now my comatose heart and mind whisper and ask me, why had you stayed? He never asked me to. He never wanted me to. He was never mine in the first place. Then why? Why was I wasting my precious hours on earth and why was I blaming him all the time?

He is an adult and a citizen of a democratic nation. He has the right to choose with who he wanted to spend his life. How was he wrong in the first place?

It was me who was the one nagging for his attention. It was me who had created a pirated illusion of him which was anything but him. It was me who had fallen in love with that same illusion perceiving it to be real.

Throughout it was me who was deceiving myself. It was me who was hurting herself. It was me who was in the wrong. And it was high time, I realise that and stop beating about the bush.

The new me does not hold him responsible anymore. I had become better and more mature. After all an ugly duckling had grown up to become a beautiful Swan and it was all because of him.

The choices that we take are not wrong or right. They are a beautiful memory or an ugly experience. He was an ugly experience which taught me what I never learnt from school. He taught me that a NO meant an ABSOLUTE NO, without any gender bias.

Akankshya Panda